The Monotony of Hell (a short story)
Another long and boring night, torture here, flailings there, same old same old. When will the monotony end? Never I suppose, I'm here in hell, and there's no getting out.
I sit stoically in my chair of fire, I know, it's cliche, but I do love the warmth on my butt. It's daily judgment and sorting time. Nazgal, a simple demon, brings forth another human soul.
"Master," Nazgal begins "I have for you a dedication, this man has lusted over small children for years. He stares at them longingly with improper thoughts in his mind, his name is Kevin."
I stare at the human, he doesn't seem the type, but it is hard to judge a book by its cover, and I could see this Kevin is a little gross.
"Did he act upon his improper thoughts?" I ask my demon.
"No sir, merely thoughts and perversions" Nazgal responds.
I think quietly for a second, staring at the Kevin before me.
"Okay, well..." I start, leaning in closer, "Kevin, may I call you Kevin?"
Kevin nods timidly at me.
"Let's start with this, how about one hundred years in the anal cavity department?"
I stare at Kevin, waiting for his response. He doesn't seem to realize that I am asking him a question.
"Kevin?" I say, attempting to goat him out of his fear, "What do you say?"
Nazgal pokes Kevin with his ass with a pitchfork, honestly, I hate the whole pitchfork thing, why is that what we're known for? They bail hay, why can't we have something cool like a rapier or a scythe? Either way, it seems to awaken Kevin out of his stupor.
"well... is there another choice?"
I lean back into my throne, "There is the frontal cavity department."
Kevin looks at me confused, "What's that?"
"Basically we shove things up your pee-hole."
There is a long silence as this thought begins to process into Kevins' mind.
"...no ...I think I'll take the anal cavity room."
"department" I correct him "and what's the magic word?"
"...anal cavity department, please" he reluctantly says.
"better, now remember Kevin, there's always time for manners ...even in Hell"
I wave my hand towards Nazgal and he quickly shuffles Kevin away, constantly prodding him with that damned pitchfork.
"Next!" I shout
Another demon poking at a human comes into view.
"I have for you a dedication my lord" says Skylore, one of the new recruits. "this man has lusted over small children for many ye..."
"another one?!" I interrupt him. "What is this pedophile week?"
Skylore stares at me for a few moments. "I'm sorry sir?"
"Nothing, let me guess, wants to diddle, didn't actually diddle?"
Skylore pulls out some notes from his dingy pocket and begins flipping through the pages. "Yes, my lord, no diddles"
"Send him to the anal cavity department." I brush them away and look over to Abaddon who sits quietly in a small, plastic child's chair next to my throne.
"Is there not a way to just automate this?"
Abaddon looks up from his US Weekly just long enough to shrug his shoulders. I stare at him for an uncomfortable amount of time. "I hate you," I state simply. He shrugs again, this time without looking up.
"NEXT!"
